Within the next 11 months I eventually signed up for two free sites, Plenty of Fish and OKCupid. Plenty of Fish gave up on me early on, and sent me a message that basically said that there weren't any fish who matched my criteria. I've not heard from that site since.

I've received similar messages from OKCupid and Match.com from time to time that have come pretty close to actually saying, "You'd have more matches if you weren't so damn picky."

I don't take it personally. But I'm not willing to settle, either.

During my year of online dating, I exchanged emails with dozens of strangers and participated in about a half dozen phone calls. I actually met about eight guys in person (not simultaneously), yet only agreed to repeat dates with one guy, a really nice person from Fortuna... but he just was not the match for me.

I signed up for online dating despite knowing that I wasn't really ready. I did it mainly as a distraction to get over the pain of my divorce from the man I was sure I'd grow old with.

My practical side said that even if I wasn't truly ready to date, at least I could practice and get my dating chops ready for the real deal. This appealed to me because I've spent most of my life married, and never really dated much. At 19 I married my high school sweetheart, then only had one other relationship between ending my first marriage and meeting my second husband.

Gosh, just reading those words - first marriage, second husband - still shocks me, as if I'm writing about someone else, some serial divorcee'.

I also jumped the dating gun because I knew I wasn't getting any younger, not to mention that I had almost zero exposure to single, straight guys in my age group with similar interests and values.  I work at home, and work alone. Nearly all my work contacts are via email or telephone. I don't go to bars, and am not comfortable approaching men I don't know. Online dating seemed a viable option.

Option? Yes. Viable? Not really. Not for me. In Redding.

Out of respect for the men's privacy I've blocked the identifying features of some of the photos I've included here.

Not that it's fair to judge a guy by his profile photo, but come on, why would a man's profile photo consist of just an SUV and RV?

I noticed photo themes, like this one, where a bare-chested guy snaps a photo of himself in a bathroom. (I am often fascinated by other details in the photo. Case in point, what's with the dish soap on the bathroom sink? And is he taking the photo in an auto repair shop restroom? Does the owner know? Or maybe he is the owner. So many questions.)

Other common themes are guys holding fish, and guys on quads or near pickups, or on motorcycles, or just a motorcycle, not a guy in sight, as if to say, "What more do you need to know?"

Some men submit photos of themselves with dogs, or just photos of the dogs, many of whom have more charm than their masters.

Other men's profile photos seem as if they were actually trying to scare women away.

Just when I was ready to quit the online dating scene, my curiosity would get the best of me, so I'd look, and then sometimes quickly look away.

In the beginning I was so gullible, but not for long. My first date set the groundwork for my current online dating philosophy: Assume they are lying until evidence proves otherwise.

I had agreed to meet my first "match" at a restaurant, but almost missed spotting the middle-aged, 6-foot-something guy I was looking for because the man who greeted me was about 20 years older and at least a head shorter than his profile described.  I was brand new to this online dating stuff, so I stupidly looked down at this grinning little man in high-waisted polyester slacks and thick-soled shoes, felt sorry for him and continued the date, as if everything was OK.

It wasn't OK. Those are two hours of my life I won't get back.

If I'd wanted to date someone old enough to be my father, I would have included that in my profile. Besides, no good can come from a relationship that's based on a lie. Plus, as if I need yet one more reason for not dating that guy again, pity is not a good enough reason to see someone.

Perhaps one of the most memorable exchanges was with someone with the handle "thegoodknight" who said he was an ER doctor in San Francisco. Boy, was he interesting, and such intriguing details. His parents were born in Italy, he speaks Spanish and Italian and Latin (that last one should have been the tip-off )  he's a total foodie, he has a daughter in college and a cute white dog named Bella. His photo showed him sitting on a park bench, holding a coffee cup. Nice smile. Authentic teeth. Snappy dresser. Handsome.

We emailed a few times with very tentative conversations until he sent me a message in which he asked if it was OK for him to ask me more personal questions. I said sure, thinking he wanted to know stuff like how like how long I'd been divorced, or how long I'd been with OKCupid. Four days passed, and I didn't hear back. I figured I scared off another prospect.

The next day I got his email. This is a direct quote:

"Ok these came to mind to get a better sense for our chemistry...

 Favorite color?

Food?

Guilty pleasure?

5 best physical attributes?

How would you describe yourself in one word?

Favorite position to make love?

Very sexual?

Romantic?

Affectionate?

Shaven or natural?

Think "size" matters in a man? Girth? Lenght?

Wildest thing you have ever done?

Ever taken a sexy picture?

How do you feel about toys/roleplay/oral pleasure?"

Of course, I knew then that thegoodknight was a total faker. My hunch is that the real guy who sent that message was sitting at a grimy old computer under a bare light bulb in a moldy basement wearing a pair of gray, thread-bare Fruit of the Looms.  Luckily, he didn't know my real name or email address or phone number.

I didn't reply, but I learned something that day, or more to the point, I asked myself a deeply thought-provoking question, one my twin had asked me a few hundred times during the past year, too:

What the hell are you doing, Doni?

In my defense, I have learned a lot, such as to carefully read the fine print on those membership forms and cancel before the end dates or risk getting stuck with unwanted automatic renewals.

I learned that money-back guarantees are totally bogus, because generally speaking, these sites have so many loopholes and requirements that by design you will never win. This is because they often demand the impossible, such as requiring you email a set number of  "matches" a month, even if these "matches" are toothless, filthy guys whose profile photos show them reclining upon stained, bare mattresses. I am not kidding.

As an aside, yes, I do know that some women lie, too, because I heard from plenty of guys who shared hilarious stories about women whose profiles featured 30-year-old photos of slim super-models, only to show up and look like ... well, nothing like that.

But that doesn't make it right for me to also lie, or misrepresent myself with a 40-year-old photo.

I learned that it's best to cut to the chase and just get it over with and meet the guy to see if there's anything there at all, rather than getting embroiled in long emails and phone calls. Some guys can write an entertaining blue streak, or even be great telephone conversationalists, but in person there's zero chemistry, or he's a total yawner, or has horrible hygiene.

On the other hand, there might be some great guy out there who's not keyboard- or telephone-friendly, but he's still cute and funny and smart and kind and appealing and honest and loves to travel and cook and whose idea of a great time is welding and attending high definition Live at the Metropolitan Opera performances and who has an Italian villa but doesn't have cats.

It could happen.

I learned that for those initial meetings, it's best to drive solo, meet in public places and tell a friend the destination and return time. I learned to keep the first date super short, like meeting for coffee or a walk, and to let my gut guide me about how long a date should last. One guy I met in a coffee shop. I stood there and talked with him for a few minutes, and then excused myself without ordering so much as a glass of water.

On two occasions I broke a couple of those rules. And while things turned out OK, the truth is I didn't know these guys at all, and things could have ended badly.

I was lucky - and by lucky, I mean I didn't get hurt.

I learned to use the online dating sites' safeguards, such as going by my profile handle, and not disclosing my real name or email address or home address until I was absolutely sure the guy was credible. (Only three guys recognized me from my work persona, by the way.)

I learned to keep my sense of humor, although I confess that after the first date with the geriatric Munchin, I cried most of the way home that night. The tears were not so much over disappointment with the short old man, but the frustration of finding myself a reluctant dater so late in life. I felt alone and pissed off and totally ill-equipped to start all over again.

Now, I don't take myself or the dates that seriously. That's why I can laugh about the guy whose profile said he was not interested in having any more children, however, he waslooking to date someone of child-bearing age.  And I can laugh over the guy who said he only wanted to date women who weighed 100 pounds or less, just in case of an emergency, so he could pick her up and carry her to safety. What a guy.

Most of all, I've honed the skill of saying these important words, "You are not the match for me,"  without feeling guilty, or worrying about hurting a guy's feelings, because I know that just because a man doesn't turn my head, doesn't mean he won't be the cat's meow for someone else.

Oh, remember the one guy from Fortuna I dated for a while? We remained good friends. In fact, he fell head over heels in love with Redding, bought a house here and is engaged to a terrific woman he's known for years. They'll move to Redding and will marry in the fall.

I'm invited to their wedding.

I'll be easy to find. I'll be the one single woman not trying to catch the bouquet.

Independent online journalist Doni Chamberlain founded what’s now known as anewscafe.com in 2007 with her son, Joe Domke of the Czech Republic. Prior to 2007 Chamberlain was an award-winning newspaper opinion columnist, feature and food writer recognized by the Associated Press, the California Newspaper Publishers Association and E.W. Scripps. She lives in Redding, CA.

 

Corn Dog Eating Contest - Win $500

 

Diaper Derby Entry Form

Sacramento County Fair

Fun for all ages at the county fair, May 24 - 28. Bull riding, demolition derby, equestrian events and more! General admission is only $5, and it’s free for seniors and children 12 and under. Visit the County Fair website.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2012 Sacramento County Fair

Buy your tickets now!

Each ticket is valid for ONE USE ONLY. Each ticket has a unique barcode which will only scan one time.

You must have a printer ready to print your tickets when your order is complete.

No exchanges or refunds.

The next quarterly Neighborhood Watch meeting will be held on Sunday, May 20, 2012  at 2:00 PM in the Arbour Lodge.    All residents are welcome to attend but newer residents are especially encouraged to attend.

If  ou have any concerns that you would like discussed--please contact your Block

Captain or myself. Mary Weatherill--686-3390

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, only drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise! I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

Luncheon Menu includes chicken caesar salad, raspberry tossed salad, cobb salad, cucumber, tomato and feta salad, fruit, jello mousse, marinated mushrooms, vegetarian lite pasta  chicken crepes, rice pilaf, rolls, and butter, cookies and brownies, lemonade, coffee and ice tea.